I wrote this on December 9th, 2015. I’m sharing it again because I think it’s important to remember where we have been so that we can see where God has brought us.
“One year ago tonight, I had my anxiety attack.
It was the most intense spiritual and emotional pain I’ve ever been in. It spread to my body until every part of me hurt in some way. I lay in bed with my head racing back and forth between two things. It may sound dramatic, but I sincerely felt like I was going to die from the decision in front of me. It had suddenly become clear to me that I was truly unhappy in my relationship, and that I couldn’t see a future with this person, even though I was, in many ways, tailoring my life around him.
That night was hell, and many of the days and weeks, months following it were different levels of hell.
Today, one full year later, that relationship has been over for almost 5 months.
That night, that anxiety attack, changed me. My life is completely different now, for both better and worse.
I just wanted to pull this back into my focus, to remind myself how richly, beautifully blessed I have been. God has been so gentle, so patient with me. He allowed me to fall away from Him and to suffer intensely, but He didn’t let it destroy me. He let it purify and redirect me. When I broke up with my boyfriend in July, I had never felt such peace and joy, knowing God had waited patiently to help me let go of something I didn’t truly desire anymore.
So here’s to a better December than last. A December with less anxiety, less agony. I am just as confused, lost, and uncertain as I was a year ago. But God has brought me through something I honestly believed would shatter me; He has made all things work together for my good.“
Looking back on the winter of 2014 used to be hard. Things had been weird for a while. I always felt far away from him, and then I read an article online about not settling in your relationships. I panicked. I thought I had caught the stomach flu I felt so sick. My mind was racing so much I felt like I was going insane. I told my poor boyfriend everything. We tried to make it work. He and I made a cake together on my 20th birthday and tried to move forward while this cloud of my anxiety hung over us. I had to keep plugging away at my job and my internship and I couldn’t talk to anyone about any of it. I cried so much. It was another seven months before I finally broke up with him.
In the midst of that intensely painful year, I discovered the song Winter by Kina Grannis.
Every word seemed to be a narrative of what I was going through with my boyfriend. I couldn’t listen to it because I was scared that it was going to become my reality. Later, this song brought me so much comfort. It made me feel less alone in the painful experience of losing a love you were once so sure of. The lyrics to the bridge still give me hope whenever I look back and the sorrow creeps back in:
We made it all these years
And no they were not wasted
No life was lost right here
If love is what we tasted
Those years and that pain and that love are all a part of my story. They helped make me who I am. They aren’t wasted.
Thanks for reading, God bless,